I know with these blogs, some people would have appreciated it if I documented my whole pregnancy, but that's not why I wanted to start writing these. I wanted to start these because my partner and myself are wondering if I have depression and if I do then I hope I can give other people the confidence to talk to their health professional and seek advice regarding it. It's better late than never to start writing, but I actually have something that I believe is worth sharing...
Well, I finally did it, after
weeks of debating and refusing to acknowledge my situation; I hit the nail on
the head and told the midwife how I felt at my 28 week check-up. Better late
than never I suppose… I’ve only had three appointments this pregnancy as it’s
my second, which I think is rather ridiculous and it’s meant that it’s been
harder for me to actually tell someone how down I’m currently feeling. I think
it helped that it wasn’t the midwife I’m assigned too as she was off for
whatever reason and the woman I told had a really kind face and didn’t seem to
judge, which is what I wanted when I told a professional about how I felt.
I remember waiting for my
appointment in the reception part of the health center and my heart was beating
like crazy and my palms were sweaty I was thinking, ‘I can’t do this, I can’t
tell the midwife how I’m feeling… I don’t even know how to bring it up. It’s
not a normal thing to be doing and everything is going to go wrong and she’s
going to judge me and social services are going to get involved and my babies
will be taken away from me…’
When I got called in I felt sick
and dizzy, I couldn’t really do this, could I? I sat silently and answered the
normal questions about how I was and how pregnancy had been so far, I lied
through it saying I was good. Then she got to the questions where they have to
record an answer, rather than just general chit chat and she asked me if I had
been feeling down, low or depressed recently. I took this as my cue to finally
get it off my chest and tell somebody. I said that actually, I had been feeling
down and not myself at all. She looked sympathetic and handed me a tissue,
sitting a little bit closer as I half cried half talked to her. When I had finally
told her I felt so much better, like a huge weight had been lifted off of my
shoulders and now something was going to get done about it at long last.
The midwife told me that telling
someone was the hardest part and that she would write as much as she could down
in the letters that she was going to send to my doctor and the mental health
unit at the hospital so that I wouldn’t have to keep on repeating myself.
Although deep down I knew that no matter how much she wrote I would still have
to tell them for myself as they would want to hear what I had to say not the
interpretation of the midwife, although it did make me feel that much better
that she was trying to do something for me and save me more grievances further
down the line. She also assured me that I was completely normal and that depression;
whether it is during or after pregnancy was very common among women and it was
nothing to be ashamed about. She said it that it was natural that after my
miscarriage earlier in the year I was feeling the effects of it now I was
pregnant again, but I was still completely normal.
She continued reassuring me until
I had calmed myself down and was breathing normally again. She then said that
she wasn’t palming me off onto other people, (the doctor and the hospital) but
it had to be done because she wasn’t qualified to make a diagnosis and the
doctor could work out if I needed to be on any medication or not. She did say
though that as well as writing to the medical professionals she would also get
my local sure start centre to contact me. She explained that they would call me
up and make an appointment to come to my house and introduce themselves to
myself and my family and then slowly, when I felt I was ready they would
introduce me to baby and toddler groups and get me involved socially. She also
went on to say that sure start would probably also offer me counselling
sessions and that I ought to take them up on that offer because medication
alone wouldn’t help. This I knew from studying psychology at A level a few
years ago.
After all the panicking I did
before, I left the room feeling much more positive about the whole situation
now that I had gotten the ball rolling and that something was going to get done
about how I felt. I promised the midwife that I would call up my doctor
regarding a review about my mental health and my jabs and she arranged an
appointment in three week’s time, for new year’s eve, day so we could see where
things were in the system and to make sure nothing had gotten lost in between
that time.
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