Doctors Appointment.

Hi all, as you would have read I had a Doctor's appointment this week regarding my depression.. And just blogging about it now. 

When I woke up I felt sick from the nerves but as the time came closer to 10am it got worse and worse. In a way, I was rather grateful for my flu jab and whooping cough jab to be done on the same day as my fear for needles overpowered the fear of talking to the doctor about how I was feeling. When I left the house, my feet felt heavy and my head felt light. In a ten minute walk I must have considered turning back and going home a million times, it was the thought of my babies which spurred me on. I was doing this for them, they needed a happy mummy and I wasn't planning on letting them down. Keep thinking of the children, I told myself. And eventually I found myself sitting in the reception of the doctors. 

Then the real nerves kicked in, my palms were sweaty and I struggled to breath the more I thought about why I was here, the worst it got and anything I did couldn't take my mind off of what I was about to be doing...

Jabs were first and they weren't as bad as I thought they would be and when I was out of the nurses and waiting for the doctor to see me I felt much better.My fear of needles had definitely over whelmed me to this point. Ten whole minutes had passed from the time my jabs had  been done and a new wave of nausea was creeping over me, I just wanted to get this over and done with but the doctor was dragging his feet and spending too much time with the current patient. Of course, writing this now with a more rational mind I know that wasn't the case it just seemed like time was dragging because I was dreading talking to him about my problems. Eventually I got seen about half an hour after my appointment with the nurse.

It almost felt like a walk of shame going to the doctors room, this was it, he was going to judge me and lock me away. Or so I thought... 

He was really nice, smiled and asked how I was. I said fine, more out of habit really than anything else. He then asked why I was there to see him. I told him the midwife had referred me, he shook his head and said he didn't care about what the midwife thought, just about what I thought, why I was here seeking help and how I really felt. So, I told him pretty much the same thing I told the midwife, just with more as he had to make a diagnosis. He had asked how long I had been feeling low etc. and I told him after my miscarriage in April it really hit me in May probably and it had just gotten progressively worse over the months gone by. He listened and went to confirm that I wasn't currently pregnant. I was shocked he didn't know that I was, but from our conversation I suppose it was easy to assume that I had miscarried and wasn't ready for another try of pregnancy. I told him I was 29 weeks now and he looked a bit downcast.

He then said he had to search if there was an anti-depressant which he could prescribe for me whilst pregnant. However the one I needed, I didn't ask which, said use with precaution in pregnancy. He then looked through his medicine book and tried to either find another drug I could have without any risks. However, this wasn't the case. He explained that the risks weren't 100% but he would rather not put the foetus through any risk no matter how big or small. I agreed with this. 

The doctor went on to say that we would see how the counselling sessions went when I got my appointment through but if I really sunk low and really couldn't cope then he would prescribe me some drugs as a last resort; even though he didn't want to. He told me to take it easy and take each day as it came, but that his door was always open. 

So I've been diagnosed with depression of some sort, I just can't get the chemical balance in my brain back on track for a while; but at least I will be getting some sort of help with it. I just hope that the lowness I feel at present won't affect my little girl as compared to what the drugs could potentially do to her...